Vaudevillain

Sweet Dream looked down at the skyscraper from her candy castle, the structure almost mocking in how pristine it looked compared the everywhere outside. Figures that she’d get stuck with the absolute annoyance of good guy Dextra.

“Can’t even have the decency of coming out to meet us,” she said.

And their jawbreaker cannons weren’t working either. The base had some kind of defense shield built into it. All her sugary shots broke against the surface like glass shattering on the pavement.

“Right,” she turned to her group of invaders. “Sitting pretty isn’t working so we’re going in!”

The group cheered.

“Now hold the phone!” she roared back. “This here is the good counterpart of Dextra. As in, the woman you don’t f*ck with!”

She glared at the group to show how serious she was. They nodded back.

“That means,” she continued. “We should expect traps, and lots of them. Not to mention minions and a general sense of unfairness all around.”

She stepped forward. “So! Here’s what we’re going to do! First off! We’re touching down on the roof! Second! Everyone goes together! Think of it like a giant raid, got it?”

Sweet Dream nodded. “Good. Third! We’re looking for either an item or the hero of the our himself! Once we get either, we’re booking it out of this deathtrap and tossing him into the machine! Once that’s done, the rest is east pickings.”

The group nodded in agreement.

Sweet Dream walked out of the command room and into the hangars as her flying machine started descending. As she moved, she funneled portions of her chocolate into the various contraptions Dr. Zlo had made for her. Chocolate lava flowed forth into what she could only call squirt guns, though they were anything but. Each one would shoot pressurized globs of her chocolate, splattering anyone in the radius and incapacitating them.

She had no delusions of grandeur here. Her power, while fun, had lost a lot of its power as time went on. There was only so much hallucinogenic chocolate could do compared to the litany of other powers out there. That was fine, though. It was more fun to fight smarter and not harder.

She directed the group to each take a gun, informing them of what would happen if they attempted to use it on each other. A few idiots did so, of course. As always, Sweet Dream was surrounded by morons.

At least they were morons she could point in the right direction.

Her castle touched down on the roof, the hangar drawbridge opening to the sight of empty, flat concrete. A single square broke the pattern, a simple fire escape exit door. She found it odd that something like this was on such a tall building, but put it out of her mind a second later.

“Right! Let’s get this door open.”

Some villains moved forward. One used their power, shaking the hinges off the door. But as soon as they’d done so, the door itself warped inward. A sucking noise could be heard as the villain at the door suddenly lurched inside as if pulled by an invisible rope.

Sweet Dream didn’t hesitate. “Fire!”

Sprays of chocolate combined with a number of esoteric blasts, diving into the building like eager puppies. Sweet Dream heard some mild cursing and chose to press her advantage. In a moment she had transformed, her gigantic chocolate state flowing into the short hallway leading to an elevator and stairwell.

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Sure enough, a single hero had posted up at the door, likely the cause of the earlier power. He barely stood, a mix of chocolate and scorch marks running along a barricade of metal not enough to protect him. There was no sign of the villain who was sucked in.

Before he could recover more, Sweet Dream flowed over the barricade and grabbed the man in gooey tendrils. Something exploded on the hero’s belt, and the villainess felt her chocolate freeze and crack. She ignored it, flowing over the frozen chocolate and whipping the hero out the door. He promptly vanished as a number of villains struck him.

“Let’s go!” someone shouted. And suddenly Sweet Dream was forced to shirk to the side as the whole group moved towards the elevators.

“Wait!” she shouted. “Take the stairs you idiots! He’s probably trapped the elevators!”

“Why, I would never,” spoke a voice over an intercom. “OSHA guidelines clearly state what can and can’t be used as defensive traps during a villainous invasion.”

Sweet Dream blinked. “Yeah, I’m not buying that.”

“I assure you,” the smooth voice continued. “OSHA takes workplace safety very seriously.”

“Ignore him,” she decided. “We’ll take the stairs one floor at a time and sweep the area.”

“So confident,” Mr. Black said.

“Only way to be sure you won’t sneak out,” Sweet Dream said. In the shared chat, she sent a different set of orders. One of these villains had to have some kind of hacking power. Once they reached a computer, they’d find Mr. Black. And then, she’d take the fight to him on her terms.

“Very well!” Mr. Black laughed. “I relish the challenge! Come, see how well you do against the mind of business!”

“I intend to,” Sweet Dream signaled, letting the ‘tanks’ move forward. Standard raid procedure. Her ‘rogues’ were searching for traps, while the ‘support’ sat in the middle, ready to react at a moments notice.

Sure enough, opposition came swiftly. The next floor they entered held a number of turrets firing down the hallway. Bullets, lasers, even what looked to be whipped cream pies, flew toward them. Tanks and supports moved forward, shields popping up. The ‘rogues’ checked the doors, quickly checking for anything of value before moving on.

Sweet Dream kept her eyes peeled and her chat open. She was directing this team for now. She focused down certain turrets, and when robots started to appear, she called out what weak points she could spot. The villains followed up with blasts of energy, taking the offending defenses out in moments.

Soon, they found what they were looking for. Rows upon rows of cubicles in a single large room. Computers sat at each desk, plugged in and ready for someone to access them.

“Get going,” she told the villains who answered her hacking summons. “Everyone else, keep them alive.”

Everyone moved into position, bodies ready for the slightest twitch.

None of them expected what came next.

Before the hackers could get into the computers, the cubicles snapped closed. The rows of what were now blocks, shifted, moving together and transforming before everyone’s very eyes.

“Oh come on!” someone complained. “How do you even get a giant robot to fit in here?!”

“Nothing is impossible when you put your mind to it!” Mr. Black said over the intercom. “Now, Defender Cubicle Mark VI, protect!”

A pleasant voice erupted from the computer speakers inside the robot. “Welcome to Black Industries. I am DCM, and today I have been tasked with your removal. If you have any complaints, please call our customer service line at 555-2525.”

Sweet Dream could only sigh. Of all the nonsense in this building, of course the robot would sound like an automated answerer. “Aim for the torso!” She shouted.

The villains obeyed, blasts of energy firing in tandem toward the blocky chest. The robot lifted an arm, blocking a majority of the attacks before kicking out with its leg.

“Shields!” someone shouted.

Layers of protection popped into existence, stopping the kick before it could build up too much momentum.

“Cover me!” one of the bulkier villains shouted. They started running like a football player, their run soon bringing them into the air as they built up speed. Turrets that had stayed hidden appeared to take him out, but shields and lasers responded in time to keep him running. A shockwave of power exploded as he rammed into the robot’s chest, knocking a few villains off their feet. Sweet Dream rushed forward as the machine crashed to the ground, chocolate oozing from her.

With a splorch, she crashed into a joint and fed as much chocolate as she could into the gears. Other villains with sticky powers joined her, either securing the robot to the ground or gumming up the joints. Soon, the giant mech sat immobile, unable to interact with the world.

“Right, someone find a working computer,” Sweet Dream said as she reverted back to her usual form.

Hackers went to work, working in tandem with others to strip the robot back into component parts. Fingers flew in search, breaking through encryption piece by piece.

“Got him!” someone finally shouted. “Twenty third floor!”

“Wait, mine says the thirty-seventh!” Someone else shouted.

“Fifty-fifth floor here!” chimed in another.

“Crap,” Sweet Dream said. “I should have known.”

She looked over the villains. “Right, someone make a route. We’re hitting each floor he’s suspected to be on.”

Everyone nodded. Sweet Dream turned away toward the window, frowning.

“I hate grindfests,” she complained.

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