Tales From the Terran Republic

Deputy Kolun leaned back in his desk pod bouncing a hard rubber ball against the wall. He sighed flaring his vestigial gill-slits as he did so.

“Gods I am so darn bored,” he said as he caught the ball for the hundredth time.

“Boredom is good in our line of work,” the chief said as he surfed the worldnet, “Boredom means nothing messed up is happening.”

“Nothing messed up ever happens in this pond-scum town.”

“What about Matron Goloriux’s kid getting all hopped up on zip and swimming around in the town pond naked last week?” the chief asked with a chuckle, “That happened. It took both you and Parsxn to haul him in.”

“Yeah, that was fun,” Kolun said. “That kid ok?”

“Yup. Got out of the hospital today,” the chief said and then chuckled again. “Wouldn’t want to be him when he shows back up at school tomorrow.”

They both laughed. An unfamiliar electric car drove up and parked right in front of the doors. The chief frowned. That was beyond rude. It wasn’t even a marked parking space. He was definitely going to write them a ticket.

The doors of the car opened and two bipedal creatures, dressed in long coats and wearing dark sun visors almost completely covering the top half of their faces got out. The chief grinded his plates. He was not a xenology expert but everyone in the Federation knew what a human looked like and everyone in the Federation knew that humans meant trouble. He snarled. First it was some jolpura moving into Slolmothu and now humans showing up here? The whole planet was going to pot.

“Um, may I help you?” Deputy Cynlth asked as the doors to the station opened.

“Yes, sorry for troubling you,” Jacob said pleasantly through his visor. “We-”

“What are you doing here, humans?” The chief asked in a less than hospitable voice.

“Our vehicle is acting strangely,” Jacob said pleasantly, “I think the navigation software is off. Either that or I messed something up,” he laughed.

“Kind of hard to mess up a navigator,” the chief said in even a less pleasant tone, “You tell it where you want it to go and the car takes you there. Pretty damn simple, even for a human.”

The deputies looked at the chief in complete confusion. This wasn’t like him at all.

“Umm...” Jacob said looking at the chief and then at Greg, his companion. Greg nods slightly and slowly starts to move his hand into a coat pocket.

“Look. We aren’t looking for any trouble we-”

“Not looking for trouble? Half of you start a pond sucking war and the other half of you tear the Federation apart and you aren’t looking for trouble? The Waters help us all if you one day do decide to look for it.”

“Hey, we had absolutely nothing to do with that,” Jacob said backing away slightly and glancing around the room. “We are just a little lost and are looking for help,” he said as he slipped one of hands into a coat pocket and gripped the handle of a small stunner.

“KEEP YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM, HUMANS” the chief yelled as put his pads on the grip of his blaster. Both Jacob and Greg immediately complied and both removed their hands from their pockets and let their arms hang loosely at their sides.

“Don’t be this way,” Jacob said, “It doesn’t have to be this way, please.”

“Don’t you move,” the chief said his pads still on his blaster. “Show me your papers. Cynlth, Kolun, cover me.”

“Chief?” Kolun asked.

“You heard me. Cover me.”

“Dude, please, it doesn’t have to go down like this,” Greg said calmly.

“Yeah, don’t,” Jacob said as it took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

The chief started to walk forward as his deputies, still really confused, put their pads on their blasters.

“Let’s all just calm dow-” Greg started.

The deputies started to draw their blasters. As soon as their weapons started to move the hands of both humans turned into blurs each one drawing a Terran submachine gun and opening fire. The explosive rounds tore the chief and his deputies open before they could even get their blasters out of their holsters. The humans then moved through the entire station like wraiths clearing each room with unearthly speed, surprising an unlucky communications officer who was gunned down before he could even get out of his pod. ⱤÃNȮBËṢ

“Fuck!” Jacob yelled as he kicked a wall.

“Yeah, that could have gone better,” Greg said as he looked down at what was left of the communications officer. “Fucking hate it when this happens.” He laid his hand on Jacob’s shoulder. “We followed protocol. Skip the stunners once real weapons come into play.”

Jacob just shrugged.

“What’s done is done.”

Jacob pulled out a communicator.

“Strike team, this is Tac-1. The target is secure. We’ve had complications,” he said calmly.

“Fuck. How many?” Sheila asked.

“Four if you count the one manning the radio.”

“How many does that leave unaccounted for?”

“We just have the two patrol cars,” Jessie chirped brightly. “Bringing up their locations on your HUD’s now. Based on their patterns over the past few days they shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Shift operation from clean to wet,” Sheila said calmly, “Jacob, Greg, Roberts, cover the area and eliminate any threats. Move and fire at will. Paper Tiger, start selective signal jamming and hold position. Advise if gravitic communication is detected. Strike team, be advised we have switched to a wet operation. Let’s go.”

***

It was just like any other day at the bank. I was just sitting there trying to help Matron Klonth with the exact same problem she had last month but was having a really hard time paying attention. In just a few hours I was going on a date! Yes! Me! A date! A real date! I met this cute guy online and we were going to meet over in Slolmothu for dinner! I really wasn’t paying attention because I was so excited and had to start over but whatever.

Poor Master Zorrth was just standing there patiently waiting for me to get my act together. I like him. He gives out the best treats at the harvest festival. They are awesome. The security guard, old Master Horthan was sitting in his favorite pod drinking tea. We didn’t think we needed a guard (ha, ha) but he’s been here like forever and nobody want’s to let him go. He’s nice. When he says I look nice or that he likes my dress it doesn’t feel greasy, you know?

The bank manager, Matron Zalon (She’s really nice too. I mean she is a tough boss but nice about it you know?) started to come out of her office to wait on Master Zorrth when a van pulled right up in front of the doors and four humans wearing real live Terran light combat armor (just like in the video games!) just ran into the place!

“This is a robbery!” a female shouted as they all pointed real live Terran weapons at us (two AK-47D’s, a Rocksteady AS4 boarding shotgun, and a Wasp SMG if the game “Bug Spray” is correct). “Everyone keep their hands where we can see them and nobody gets hurt.”

A robbery? What? A real live bank robbery? I just couldn’t believe it. Poor old Master Horthan jumped up and tried to shoot his stunner at a big human (And Terrans are already big. This guy was huge.) The giant just grabbed him and threw him to the ground. I swear Master Horthan bounced like a couple of centimeters when he hit the floor. I’m surprised he didn’t break something.

“You are lucky I knew that was a stunner or you would be dead right now,” the big Terran said to Master Horthan, “and there is absolutely nothing in here worth dying over.”

“What part of wet do you not understand, Eno?” this other Terran, a female one, said in a scary voice as she stopped next to Master Horthan and drew a real live Martian skull splitter (just like the one I had when I played “Red Sunset”!). The skull splitter had an amazing intricately etched and inlaid blade that seemed to dance in the light as it moved. Even as it was being raised to murder Master Horthan I couldn't help but think how beautiful it was.

“Hey!” The one in charge yelled. “Gloria, can you not be a psychopath just this once, please,” she said to the scary one, “Without killing anyone unless you have to, get everyone next to Sheriff Dumbass over there,” she said pointing to Master Horthan.

I looked over at my boss and then over at the silent alarm button that’s under my counter. She looked at me and shook her head a little. I don’t know what I was thinking but I slowly reached under there and pressed it anyway. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

“Bow-head,” a smaller female said as she pointed at my bow, “just triggered an alarm.” How did she know that? I still don’t know how she knew that.

Before I even had time to blink the one in charge grabbed me and threw me clear across the lobby. I really hurt my arm when I landed. It’s still really sore. I’m just glad the scary one didn’t get to me first.

“ON THE FLOOR NOW!” the leader yelled as they pushed everyone, even old Matron Klonth, right down really hard. The leader turned to the one that told on me and asked, “The alarm, is it going to be a problem?”

“It goes to the local police station (giggle). We better hurry (giggle). They could be here any second (giggle).”

“Oh shit. We are in trouble now,” the scary woman chuckled.

I didn’t know why they thought it was funny at the time. Poor guys. I went to school with two of them. They were nice. Well one of them could be a jerk sometimes but even he didn’t deserve that. They said it looked like firecrackers went off in their guts.

“Ok. You,” the leader said as she pointed at my boss, “You look like the manager. Come here.”

My boss started scooch like a snail towards the human. The human made a strange noise. She sounded like she was in pain or something.

“You can stand. Stand up and come here,” she said while she put her hand on her visor and shook her head.

“Right, first off you and Jessie over there,” she said as she pointed at the one who snitched on me, “are going to empty your local credit repository into her transactor. Then you two are going to go into your office. Do exactly what she says exactly how she says it. Don’t try to be smart because she’s smarter and will kill you. Sheriff Dumbass and Little Miss Tattle-Tale over there have used up all of your stupid points.”

“Yes, yes. No problem! Just don’t hurt anyone, please!” Matron Zalon said as she was led over to my counter. She tried to enter the password but her pads were shaking so bad she kept screwing it up. I think the fact that the human called Jessie was holding a submachine gun to her head didn’t help.

She finally got it right and dumped our entire buffer onto a crystal. It’s a lot of money, tens of thousands of credits at least! I thought it was a whole lot of money and what they came for. Boy was I wrong.

“Cool, we have beer money,” the one called Jessie said in a happy voice, “Now we do the fun stuff. C’mon.”

With that my boss was marched into her office with a real submachine gun pointed at the back of her head. I don’t exactly know what they were doing in there but Matron Zalon looked really scared and confused and it looked like Jessie was getting really impatient. I got a little worried. I know from Terran movies that those guns can go off just like that and the human was just waving it all around as she yelled at my boss. She didn’t shoot her though and a few minutes later my boss was marched right back out into the lobby.

“Now you just lay there,” Jessie said in a snippy voice, “You are capable of that, right? You really need to learn your damn job!”

She then turned around and started to stomp back into the manager’s office in a huff.

“Well, I am fucking sorry that my ignorance made robbing us inconvenient!” My boss yelled.

Everybody just stopped. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve never heard my boss say any bad words and she used a really bad one. The humans just busted out laughing.

“I like her. Try not to kill her,” the one they called Jessie said as she walked back into the manager’s office. She then plugged this fancy looking tablet into the old office computer and started typing really fast.

“You look confused,” the leader said to my boss, “You didn’t think we set all this up to swipe one-hundred and fifty thousand credits?”

Wow! One-hundred and fifty thousand credits! We had that much? Holy poop that’s a lot of money! (I thought at the time. Well it is a lot of money but it isn’t a lot of money.)

“You didn’t?” my boss asked.

That leader woman made this noise like she sneezed in her helmet.

“Yeah, we traveled to this planet, picked this town, did a tactical insertion, and took over your bank for a measly one-fifty. Do you even know how the banking system in the Federation works?” she asked and then she cocked her head oddly. “Guys,” she said, “We have a customer incoming.”

I looked and it was Felixroh, a friend of mine. She came by a lot just to say hi.

The doors opened and she walked in and just stopped.

“What are you guys doing on the floor?” she asked, really confused.

She didn’t notice the huge armored humans with guns. It was us all having a lie down that interested her. I love the girl but I swear...

That’s when she got grabbed and plopped down next to me.

“What’s happening?” she whispered to me in a terrified squeaky (she always squeaks when she is nervous) voice.

“We’re getting robbed.” I whispered back.

She breathed a huge sigh of relief.

“Thank the Waters… I thought we were getting invaded,” she whispered. I couldn’t help but giggle but shut up real quick when that one they called Gloria looked at us. I couldn’t see her eyes but boy could I feel them.

“Is that a skull splitter?” Felixroh whispered to me.

“Quiet,” I hissed at her. It was too late. Gloria walked over to us and crouched.

“How do you know what this is?” Gloria whispered in a very very scary voice as she held the skull splitter entirely too close. This is it, I thought. We are going to die.

“Red Sunset… We play it a lot.” Felixroh said cheerfully.

I could have killed her if Gloria didn’t do it for me. Last thing we wanted to do is say we can identify anything… and she let everyone know we played video games too! I love her but pond scum! She can be so stupid sometimes.

“Excellent historical accuracy but the engine sucks,” the scary woman said in a much more friendly voice, “Now shut the fuck up.”

She stood and stepped away.

“Where was I?” their leader said, “Right. Believe it or not banking is something that the Federation does right. They use normal communications for basic shit but the actual transactions, the credits, go through a completely independent network, their own hyperspatial relays, the works. There are only three ways to get into that network. A terrestrial network hub, a hyperspatial relay, or a bank. The network hub and that hyperspatial relay? Those are among the most secure locations in the Federation. Fighting a Fed cruiser is easier. Banks are the only practical way to access it. Of course in a bank there is a lot of extra computer security shit in the way. If I felt like torturing you I would have Jessie explain it. What our little firecracker is doing right now is trying to bypass that security and access accounts directly. Once she pulls that off and we can start making, pardon the pun, bank.”

“You mean you will be able to start emptying entire accounts?” my boss asked looking kind of sick.

“Yep, down to the last credit. We’re doing some ‘fundraising’ for a little project we are working on,” their leader said happily, “Don’t worry. We aren’t going to steal from you guys. Each account takes time to breach and has a whole new layer of security. Takes too long to go after little fish. You guys are safe. Some other assholes are going to have a very bad morning tomorrow. Don’t feel too bad for ‘em. They deserve it.”

Wow! I did not know that’s how it worked. Neat! Then it hit me. They weren’t here for thousands. They were here for millions! By the Waters of the Eternal Pond!

I don’t know how much time passed. It felt like forever but the police never came. I still hadn’t figured out why.

I knew was definitely going to stand up my date. This was the worst. He didn’t believe me when I told him what happened until he saw it on the news. You bet he called me right back after that. Too bad he turned out to be a total jerkface!

“Clock’s ticking, Jessie,” the leader said, “How much do you have?”

“Coming over to your HUD.”

HUD’s are neat! They show you stuff inside your helmet! (I learned that from video games too!)

“Fuck it. That’s going to have to do. We gotta go,” their leader said, “We just had someone show up early for their shift. That early bird just got a couple of worms.”

“Sucks to be them. Ok. Aaaannnnddd… Done!”

It was right then that I realized why the police weren’t showing up. I still get the shakes thinking about how I set off that alarm. I could have been killed! I should have been killed!

A cargo van pulled up next to the door and the side doors opened.

“Pleasure doing business with you folks and sorry about the cops. We honestly didn’t want it to go down that way.” the leader said and then they all bolted out of the door and into the van.

***

They turned the whole system inside out looking for those guys. They never even found the van! My boss told me later that they stole over sixteen million credits. Sixteen million! The odd part was that they stole it from other humans. Weird.

We just had the last funeral yesterday. People are all talking about taking up a collection so they can post a bounty. I don’t have the heart to tell them they are just wasting their time. Those guys are long gone and probably have plenty of bounties on them already.

A lot of people are also talking about getting blasters or something in case they come back. I just shake my head. They aren’t coming back and if they do I really don’t think some hick with a civilian pop-gun is going to be able to do anything besides get some firecrackers in his guts. That looked like mark six light combat armor and you need at least a class four energy weapon to get through that stuff. A normal person can’t get that sort of thing around here. Oops. I don’t want to sound too much like a separatist, a cultist, or a tomboy. I just really like Terran video games (Don’t tell anybody. My parents would freak).

The bank and the Federation are just about done investigating. Rumor has it they didn’t find a single thing. Doesn’t surprise me. Boss says we are going to re-open next week. My mom doesn’t want me to but I’m going back to work. A girl has to eat and I would much rather get thrown across a bank lobby than move back in with my parents. There is no pooping way that is going to happen.

***

I get back from lunch with my boss. She is so happy I am staying on I'm getting a pooping raise!

There is a knock at my door. There’s a kind of shabby looking guy there holding a box.

“Yes?” I ask as I open the door.

“Here,” The guy just hands me the box and walks off.

“Wait,” I say but he just keeps walking.

That was weird. I take the box inside and open it. Holy Waters of the Eternal Pond! A skull splitter! A real one! It has the pattern welded laminated Terran steel blade, bone handle, and everything!

There is also a crystal in there. Pads shaking I load it into my computer…

It’s Federation Fun Time! Oh scum! With Species Master! Oh double scum!

I have a few days before I go back to work. I know what I will be doing until then!

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